Thursday, March 12, 2009

Country Music Sucks

My country music-loving Dad dragged me to 3 Willie Nelson, 2 Alabama and 1 Reba Mackentire (sic) as a kid. I hated every minute of it and was convinced by the age of 15 that all country music fans were confederate soldiers just waiting for reinforcements.

There is a world of a difference between the Dixie Chicks, who sing, "She needs WAHDE OPEN SPA-CES" and a badass like Johnny Cash, who croons, "I once shot a man dead just to watch him die." The Dixie chicks are like your mom's shiny new Mazda Miata, while Cash (who, after countless illnesses, cancers and bullets lodged in his body just won't fucking die) is like a '53 Caddy that sputters orange/brown exhaust and makes a whole lot of fucking noise.

The ultimate country song has been described as having the following elements: Momma, prison, and getting drunk. Hence:

"So I was drunk the day my mommy got out of prison..."

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